Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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