Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
