My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
As shirtless as possible
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
