First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
