I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
