my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize