I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
