so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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