Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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