I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize