I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
