I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
