if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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