im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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