I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
