Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
