At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
