I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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