Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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