best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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