so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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