I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
