Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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