My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
