I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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