So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
