She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
