It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
