my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
