I met the friendliest cop last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
