drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
