We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You dont lie about slip and slides
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
