apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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