I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
