I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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