so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
