i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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