coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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