I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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