Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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