Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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