Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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