saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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