He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
