i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
