Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize