My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
