I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
