is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize