His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
