I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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