She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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