Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
