Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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