Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
