Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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