if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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