My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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