that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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