im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
